Could you use a little cash? Why not prey on the hopes and dreams of bands and musicians who just want a voice? It's a million dollar industry, and I'm going to provide you with a few easy ideas for getting started.

Free Artist Profile!

One of the most common sites I see is a new "come create your profile and upload your music" start-up. I get nearly an email a day like this:

"Hey there, artist. I listened to your music and it's really good! You should come over to http://bandlistenmusic69ers.info/ and join the community. We are giving artists the opportunity to come to our site, upload their music, make an artist profile, and be a part of our growing online presence. And the best part is it won't even cost you! Come sign up and tell all your friends!"

Wow, what a great deal. You're telling me I can go to your website that has no established user base, implicitly license your site the use of my content that I created at great expense to me, and then ask my fans to come visit your bullshit site and drive traffic there so you can reap ad revenue? That's amazing, where can I sign up?! I can't imagine any other site providing a superior similar service with an existing built-in user base... say MySpace or FaceBook. What an original idea, kudos to you brave entrepreneur!

I'm so glad you took the time to personalize the email too, by using my name and telling me my music is "really good." Usually it's customary when you tell someone that something is either good or bad to provide a few specific examples like "that chorus really shreds" or "needs more cowbell" but good for you cutting right to the chase with a blanket statement anyone could make! That really shows me you care about my music.

Catch Your Big Break - Submit Your Music (and Payment)!

This actually falls into several different categories. The concept here is that there are numerous different places you can submit your music in order to have it included and, theoretically, promoted and exposed. Let's do a short break-down of some of the most common. Keep in mind that each submission to one of these opportunities usually asks for money to be considered, as compensation for their "valuable time listening to the music."

Indie Film Needs Music

"Hi there, an indie film studio needs some music for an upcoming silent aquatic neo-noir adventure drama film. No payment will be provided, but your music will be exposed to the film's audience. Your song should sound like "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve or "Vertigo" by U2."

Translation: We want some quality music but we're too cheap to actually license the real tracks we wanted, much less pay you even a pittance for the use of your music. Our indie film studio is actually two guys who dropped out of community college after realizing "beer pong" is neither a major nor a vocational program. You will get free exposure though! Both our moms have expressed interest in seeing the finished product and one of our girlfriends might be at the premiere too. Punch will be served. But no one will clap.

Compilation CD Seeking Hot New Artists

"We're No-Name-Bullshit-Studios Record Label from Random Small Town, Michigan and we're looking for up and coming young artists for a fresh CD featuring only the hottest jams. lolz! The complete CD will be for sale in over 1 location and will be a great chance to reach new fans!"

Translation: We want you to provide us free music so we can put 15 artists that probably sound nothing alike on this one clusterfuck of a CD. Here's some math for you: if we charge artists $10 to submit their music and we get 100 artists to submit, all we have to do is print 500 CDs at about $500 cost to us and that's $500 instant profit! If we want to actually live up to our promise we might drop a few off at a local record store to sell or we could just use them for Frisbees. If we actually SELL a single CD, we make even more profit! If we're feeling particularly lazy we could just take your money and say we made a CD, then you'll never hear from us again. Don't fret though, we will use the profits for pizza, beer, and our NetFlix subscription. It's for a good cause.

Radio Submissions

"Want to reach thousands of new fans all over the country? For only $1,500 we'll submit your music to over 300 radio stations. Guaranteed that they will receive your music!"

Translation: We're going to mail a big manila envelope with a burned copy of your CD to a bunch of radio stations that probably aren't even in the same format. There's no guarantee of radio play... hell, you're lucky if they even open the package and listen to it. We don't actually promote you to radio cause that might be useful. We just blast your material out which you could easily do yourself in a more targeted fashion for less money. It's easy for me to send out these packages and then I have the rest of the day free to touch myself.

And More

There are plenty of other variations too. I could go on, but all these opportunities really amount to the same thing: "give us some money and we'll give you nothing of significant value in return" or "use your content to make us money!" I have to admit though, there are a lot of bullshit artists out there too so maybe I'll rip them next time.

Senator Hillary Clinton and all her supporters are inherently sexist and chauvinist. Why? Because they can't do math. And as we know it's long been a chauvinist stereotype that women perform more poorly (and hence are less capable) in math than men. Since the majority of Hillary Clinton's supporters are women, and they can't do math, her campaign is perpetuating an unfortunate bias that this American personally chooses to disagree with.

The math: in order to win the nomination, Hillary must win EVERY remaining Democratic primary with at least 55% of the vote AND win approximately 2/3 of the remaining superdelegates. This math itself is not disputed by Clinton officials. While such a feat might seem theoretically possible, it is an impossibility in this election.

I just wish the Clinton campaign wouldn't denigrate women like this. It's really disappointing that they have introduced gender into this campaign by asserting women can't do math. From all the men on the outside, we say stop slandering the fairer sex!

A friend recently sent me a list of the worst Star Wars villains from IGN. After seeing the list and being a big fan boy, I was naturally disappointed and came up with my own list in response.

OK, at first I was confused by this list. When they said "worst villains" and saw Jar Jar as the first I thought they were going to be naming the dumbest villains of the SW universe but then I saw Exar Kun, who is cool. At that point I realized they were actually ranking villains for their badassery, cunning, and accomplishments.

However, this list is bullshit. So here is the REAL list from a true fan, that does not include the prequels (all the villains there can lick my balls). It also doesn't include the Yuuzhan Vong invasion because it's like 30 years in the future, is not "official" canon and nearly wiped out the whole galaxy - so would otherwise take the cake and make this list pointless.

10. Moff Tarkin - While seemingly a crusty old guy with erectile dysfunction, Tarkin has to make the list just because the dude ice cold blew up an entire planet for no good reason. The only guy who actually got to use a Death Star against a real planet. Not even the Emperor can say that.

9. Boba Fett - No list of Star Wars villains is complete without Boba Fett. Although having no Force powers or Jedi abilities, Boba Fett was the most feared bounty hunter in the entire galaxy. With his fighting prowess, cunning, and technology he could fight against Jedi fairly well - as a testament to this, even Darth Vader respected him. Although Return of the Jedi shows him plummeting in to the mouth of the Sarlaac, canon beyond the movie has indicated he killed the Sarlaac and continued to own throughout the galaxy.

8. Darth Vader - You might think he'd be higher on the list. You'd be wrong. Although an imposing figure in the first two Star Wars movies, he proved to be nothing more than a pawn of the Emperor and a big blustery pussy at heart. And I'm not even holding obnoxious prequel-era Anakin Skywalker against him. Still, Vader gets credit for acts of genocide, choking lots of people, and general ruthlessness.

7. The Ssi-ruuk - Although I was trying to avoid whole races, the Ssi-ruuk qualify as being awesome enough as a race without having too many notables within them to promote one over the rest. The main thing you need to know about them is that they harvest souls. Seriously - they collect your soul through a process called "entechment" and use it to power their consumer electronics. It also took the combined might of the Empire and Alliance to fight them off.

6. Nil Spaar - The leader of the Yevetha during the Black Fleet Crisis, Nil Spaar was a pretty ruthless guy. He murdered at will, worked to undermine the government of the New Republic. Like a modern day Hitler, Spaar and his forces swept through the Koornacht Cluster, enslaving or eliminating non-Yevethans. His genocide credentials aside, the man also ran a harem where he got his pick of all the top-shelf Yevethan hotties. It's good to be viceroy.

5. Exar Kun - Started the brutal Great Sith War? Check. Enslaved the Massassi and made them build temples to his greatness? Check. Lived on as a spirit for thousands of years and convinced impressionable youngsters to commit genocide? Check.

4. Admiral Thrawn - One of the most cunning masterminds of all time, the guy is a Chiss badass who rose to be Grand Admiral in the Empire, which hates non-humans. So you know he's legit. His superior strategy was nearly unstoppable in battle and when he wasn't stomping ass in the sky he took time out to appreciate art - usually shortly before destroying the planet from which it came.

3. Joruus C'baoth - The insane mother fucking clone of Jorus C'baoth, this guy was a crazy dark jedi who guarded the Emperor's stash on Wayland. His battle meditation skills proved useful to Admiral Thrawn during his campaign and he regularly shot lightning at villagers on Jomark for no good reason. Crazy, evil, and powerful are alway a good combination.

2. Naga Sadow - One of the most awesome ancient Sith lords of all time, who experimented on the Massassi and instigated the Great Hyperspace War which sounds awesome on its own.

1. Emperor Palpatine - A lot of guys aspired to control the Galaxy, but this guy actually did it. Not only that, take any event you can think of and the Emperor has already "foreseen it" no matter what it is. He also had his hand in a lot of plots - virtually everything in most of the novels ties back to Palpatine. He was talking to aliens, making clones, preparing contingency plans. He even resurrected himself after his death and had to be put down again Resident Evil-style. As if that weren't enough, his wrinkles make him extremely water resistant.

I'm becoming more like my father. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, but I realized it the other day when it dawned on me that I was listening to talk radio. I think I'm still in the denial stage. It's only the Tony Kornheiser show, right? I only started listening because I'm a big fan of Pardon the Interruption. But it's not even truly a sports show, so how much longer can I continue to use that excuse?

What's worse is that some times I leave the radio tuned to that station and I start to hear other programs... generally left-wing or right-wing talking heads. My father used to listen to Rush Limbaugh, and thankfully I have not yet encountered him on the station. Few things in life make me want to ball up a fist and hit someone in the face as much as hypocritical self-righteousness.

Aside from the talk radio evidence, I've also noticed myself becoming increasingly libertarian and conservative on fiscal issues. My gut has also enlarged and my back is starting to go bad. It's much like when Luke cut off Darth Vader's hand in Return of the Jedi, looked at his own mechanical hand, and realized he was becoming his father. I suppose it should come as no surprise since studies have indicated that over time children gradually come to adopt the majority of their parents' beliefs. But I always thought that would happen much later in my life (30s, 40s).

1. Mention the industrial-military complex

As in "...yet to break free of the stranglehold influence the industrial-military complex has on economic policy..."

2. Casually accuse people of fascism

It doesn't even matter if you really know what it means or how to use it. It just sounds awesome.

3. Use name calling whenever possible

For instance, "Hillary Clinton" can become "Shrillary Clinton," or "Billary" to emphasize her co-presidency with her husband. Barack Obama becomes "Barack Osama," or you can simply mention his middle name (Hussein). Everyone with "Hussein" in their middle name is automatically a tyrannical dictator/Muslim/terrorist, just like Saddam Hussein. No exceptions! John McCain is "John McShame" or some people just say "Bush Lite." Nothing keeps it focused on the issues like good old fashioned high school name calling.

Clearly, if you can concoct some permutation of someone's name to put them in a bad light, you can completely invalidate their entire candidacy or point of view.

4. Never cite sources

State your opinion as though it is fact, because if you say it with enough certainty, it becomes fact. Some times it can be difficult to substantiate your opinion or other rumors with supporting verifiable facts, so the best course is to avoid facts at all costs. You can still treat it like a fact though. To highlight this you can even precede your sentences with "Fact:" as shown below.

Fact: Hillary Clinton is actually a robot sent back from the future to kill John Connor.

Fact: Barack Obama is a terrorist in disguise who hates America and wants to stop white people from playing basketball.

Fact: John McCain is a 1,240 year old man-crustacean hybrid sustained by feeding on unborn children.

See how easy that was? I just gave you three free facts that you didn't know before.

5. Type in ALL CAPS

Always a good rule whenever you're posting on the Internet, posting with your caps lock key jammed down lets everyone know that your point of view is way more important than theirs because your argument is completely capitalized. Sure, it might make it a little harder to read and annoy some of those faint at heart, but you're not blasting your opinion all over the Internet to make new friends.

Today when I walked outside the building where I work on my way to lunch, I saw an older blind woman with a cane standing on the sidewalk looking very confused. She heard the door open when I exited and called out "hello?" I greeted her and she asked me to take her to the Manhattan cafe. Normally I don't know where anything in Rosslyn is, but this was one of the few places I did know. She grabbed on to me clumsily, so I extended my left arm, had her take that, and we began walking.

She was extremely unsteady and asked me to slow my pace several times as she proceeded very gradually and jerkily despite firmly grasping my arm. I wondered if she had not been rendered newly blind, because most of the blind people I've seen in the past are well adapted and probably more steady on their feet than I am. I noted some odd glances from passers-by and it crossed my mind that we were probably a sight to see - a doofy tall young white man escorting an older blind black woman.

Luckily, the cafe was not far and we arrived shortly. I opened the door for her and ushered her in. I helped her find the drink she wanted and directed her to where she could order her food. Since she seemed to have trouble with most activities I inquired if there was anyone that was supposed to be helping her, but she assured me she was fine. I know the owner of the cafe and he said he would make sure she had an escort when she left the cafe.

The point of this story is that when I left I was firmly reminded how fortunate I am - and most of us are - in life. I'm not blind, deaf, maimed, or have any other really serious disadvantages in life. I'm mostly healthy (with a few minor caveats), I have a well-paying job, most of my immediate friends and family are still living. However, often I find myself unhappy with various aspects of my life and those problems can seem so glaring at the time, but it's amazing how something as simple as the gift of sight can remind me that there are people in the world with far more severe troubles. I hope I don't lose sight (hmmm... maybe poor choice of words) of that fact in the future.

Obama may have finally been done in. Until inflammatory comments from the Reverend Jeremiah Wright video were blasted all over the media, the Illinois senator had successfully weathered latent racism, questions about his religion, and character attacks from both the Clinton and McCain campaigns. Now his opponents have finally given the white American public an excuse to hate him.

It's been there all along. Reading user comments on election news, there have been veiled references to Obama's race for months. Some suggested that he was "unelectable." Some people came right out and said they would not vote for a black person; their ignorance is both shocking and disheartening. Others chose to plant seeds of doubt about his religion, stating that he was a Muslim and would ruin the country. (even if he was a Muslim, would it be so wrong to elect him president?) Many fear mongerers just reverted to emphasizing his middle name (Hussein) or calling him "Osama."

There were always whispers of this nebulous "black agenda" that Obama would somehow make a fixture of his presidency. Or his secret Muslim worship would compel him to turn the country over to the terrorists. These suggestions are so outlandish on many levels that they don't even deserve an acknowledgement. Still, for many of the uneducated who did not dismiss them outright, they lodged kernels of doubt. Anti-Obama lobbyists kept emphasizing there was something wrong with Obama and we were going to "find out about" him - they just didn't have any substance yet.

Now this story has finally broken, and all the whites, Hispanics, Asians, etc. who kept insisting they didn't like Obama now have what is, in their mind, a justifiable basis at which to point their finger. A black minister made comments condemning America. Is anyone debating that fact? No. Do I agree with or condone those comments? No. Does Obama? No.

But the reality is that Obama has now been reduced to what his opponents have been trying to label him all along - the "black candidate." Out the door go his policies, his respect, his moral fiber, and his accomplishments. He gets 90% of the black vote because he is black. That is the extent of his candidacy as far as they are concerned. He's too black for the white status quo, move him along.

Whites finally have the reason they've been searching for to hate Obama. Before, they were merely uncomfortable, but now they can quantify those feelings of discomfort as attributable to a 30 second sound bite. You know, I listen to Rage Against the Machine. They have some pretty serious condemnations of America too. Since it's wrong to question America, I must be unpatriotic - or a terrorist. There have been plenty of other songs criticizing or questioning America and her policies too. So I guess anyone who listens to John Lennon (or by extension The Beatles) falls into this category as well. Same goes for lots of punk music. Green Day had some unkind things to say lately. Where does it end? We all have some friends who say some things politically we don't agree with. Do we stop being friends with those people?

Not all whites hate Obama of course. Obviously, I'm white and have nothing against him. There are plenty of other educated white folks out there who realize he is more than just another "black candidate" and judge him accordingly. Some of the smarter people who don't like Obama actually dislike him because of his policies, which are admittedly socialist and will incur increased spending (still better than Hillary's or McCain). This is a GOOD reason not to like Obama. You are not automatically a racist just for disliking Obama - unless the reason you happen to dislike him has anything to do with the color of his skin.

There are two candidates in this presidential race with some integrity - Barack Obama (who has publicly disclosed all his records and tax returns), and Dr. Ron Paul. Unfortunately, Ron Paul is also crazy and expects us to carry around gold in our pockets to pay the bills. He also believes the Constitution is completely untouchable - meaning that things never ever change from now until the end of time and if it ain't in the Constitution, it's no good. It's really too bad, because aside from that he's for less government, less intrusion, and voted against the Iraq war.

The reality of the election is that Obama has a virtually insurmountable lead in pledged delegates for the Democratic nomination. Obama haters and Hillary supporters have failed to acknowledge this for a long time (yet they accuse Obama supporters of being "sheep" and immune to facts). The only way Obama can realistically lose the nomination is if the so-called superdelegates overturn the will of the people and elect someone else. Unfortunately this incident may give superdelegates the ammunition they need to declare Obama "unelectable" and force him out. Let's hope they can look past this to the bigger picture.

Ran into an issue earlier today writing a simple database SQL query. I was trying to run a query like the one below (table/column names changed):

And I received an error:

I assumed I had some sort of syntax error (I had an additional WHERE clause and some other stuff), so I stripped it down to its barest form shown above and tried again, same result.

I was starting to get pissed off until I realized this client was probably running a really old version of Oracle. So I ran the following code to check it out:

The response came back - 8.1.6.3.0. Some quick googling revealed that Oracle version 8i did not support the ANSI-style joins I was trying to perform (explicitly writing LEFT JOIN). I of course knew Oracle supported its own join syntax, but I usually avoid it to try and keep SQL portable to other database systems. However, I rewrote the query:

And sure enough it worked! No thanks to you Oracle 8i. On a side note, I really hope we upgrade soon... I mean 10g has been out for a while now.

The obvious lesson here is if something seems to be failing even though you KNOW it should be working, don't forget to consider version.